lately i go from having these really manic row of days when im creating and doing madd shit and starting projects and buying a lot of shit followed by days of ultra depression where i’m completely uninterested in anything that involves getting out of bed and i try to make myself feel better by ordering things online on my laptop from my bed because i can’t even get myself to sit up in front of my primary/preferred desktop computer. and i forget i ordered those things and when they come, i dont care and the packages just accumulate in some corner of my room for days until i’m feeling normal enough to deal with them.
i guess i’m in a mixed state right now, i’m not like a vegetable but i’m functioning and i have a lot of feelings and i cry sometimes which is a rare occurence. i’ve been having ideations which i haven’t had in awhile so i’m concerned. my parents are pretty insufferable right now and i’m pretty sure my closest friends forgot about me and i kind of hate some of them for it. i havent felt so crappy and alone since i lived alone and was undiagnosed. this realy sucks.
I bought two of the same designer watch in different metals.
So I discussed some of the Big Girl Stuff I’d been doing a couple weeks ago, which included getting my first watch EVER. It was a nice simple chainlink gold kate spade watch at Nordstrom Rack and it was 79.00. Original retail last year was 225.00 so fuck YEAH. And double fuck YEAH because it still sells on sites like Amazon and eBay for between 140 and 170. Eventually I realized I couldn’t wear that much gold on my wrist with most of my outfits so I decided to look for a silver watch too. I could’t find ANY. Everything was either too plain, or ostentacious, and/or too expensive. I knew that Nordstrom Rack had the same watch in silver but I didn’t want to buy two of the same watch, as much as I wanted to. But it looked so damn good. I finally caved a couple days ago.
It was the same price as the gold one, 79 bux. So I guess they will be My Thing. I’m pleased with them, they’re literally perfect. Mother of pearl face, just a hint of pink, has numbers (I hate watches that don’t have numbers, I’ll admit to being an idiot and having trouble telling the time on them), made by my new favorite brand, and cheap. I also found one of those Rebecca Minkoff sunglasses holders that I’d never been interested in until I saw them in real life and in my favorite color and found out that they fit my sunglasses AND my readers. 30 bucks. I was sold.
Idk what the hell happened but Nordstrom Rack has been amazing lately. I don’t bother looking at the clothes and the shoes because 1) I have enough and 2) shopping for clothes at an outlet is one of the most pointless and tedious and frustrating activities ever. I just go straight to accessories and want All The Things.
just what i wanna hear as soon as i sit down in front of my computer for the first time - oops something called hearbleed blah blah vulnerability blahhhhh cannot fix major urgent blajjhdddyblah YOU NEED TO CHANGE ALL YOUR PASSWORDS ON ALL THE WEBSITES have a nice day
One way you should NOT answer the question “How many people have you slept with?” - “How the fuck am I supposed to know?”
I said once in this blog that I refused to use my bipolar as an excuse to not do something or to manipulate people into doing/giving me things that I want because I hate the illness so much that I decided I didn’t want anything from it. I’m already good enough at doing those things and always have been so I wouldn’t need to anyway — most of the time. But finally and recently, I spilled to manipulate. But it was because I was thinking ahead regarding a potential conflict that may be beyond my control and I had to self-protect. I didn’t spill for anything shady or mean reasons but yeah I do admit that I pretty much manipulated for personal gain. But given the circumstances, I don’t feel bad about it at all but I’m also not thinking “Yay, thank God I’m bipolar so I could dodge that bullet!” because well… Shit Nobody Says: “Yay, thank God I’m bipolar!” Wait actually no, there are bipolar 1s who choose not to treat it so they can stay busy and creative. Not gonna lie, sometimes I wish I had 1 instead of 2.
One thing I was pretty thrilled to find out was that I don’t have to serve Jury Duty ever again, as long as I have a note from my doctor of course. I served once and initially liked it and everyone that had told me that they did grand jury said it was cake and that all the cases were really vanilla, like stealing some Juicy Couture flip flops from Macy’s. The problem though is that the friends I was talking to about it didn’t live in counties that had towns with high serious crime rates. I live in Essex County, NJ and its a really weird ass mix… the town I live in and the and surrounding towns are mostly middle/upper middle class or wealthy and also literally 10 minutes away from us all is Newark, one of the country’s most dangerous cities, and its surrounding Mini Newarks. Our cars are always getting stolen and found in a chop shop in Newark a week later. It kind of sucks lol.
All the testimonies I heard were for crimes that happened in Newark and the mini Newarks. I didn’t get any cases about lame shit like theft and public urination, I was lucky to get cases on drug charges (which I would never vote on because I don’t agree with The War On Drugs). The three worst things I saw was a video of a driveby shooting at a fried chicken restaurant and I watched a man literally die in his own growing pool of blood. I couldn’t hold my tears for that one. I saw and listened to a 9 year old testify against her father for raping her repeatedly. I saw a picture of a dead toddler that had accidentally shot himself in the mouth and then his mother’s reaction after she came in to testify - the detective who had last testified and brought the photo neglected to take the photo with him when he left, and she saw it. Her reaction was beyond heartbreaking.
Then there was this case, which we heard testimonies for EVERY session. No article can articulate how truly bizarre and awful that situation was. Its still by far the worst and most disgusting case of child abuse and cult behavior that I have ever heard of. I saw a picture of Christiana’s body, which was twig thin and her skin had lost so much pigmentation from being so malnourished. I saw her cast - it consisted of an old flip-flop placed against her hip, her leg coated in cornmeal that had been soaked in gasoline, some gasoline soaked fabric, and saran wrap on top. I’m surprised she lasted two weeks and I still feel so horrible that she made it that long. I think about it all the time and I wish I could find some updates but unfortunately the newest scoop was from the announcement that we voted it to trial. That was a year and a half ago…
Anyway, I would leave jury duty so dismayed and tired and emotionally drained (despite the fact that I was going through a manic episode at the time). After awhile, when my Dad picked me up, he just stopped asking me about what cases were brought to us because he knew I just didn’t like talking about it and they made me sad. I would even cancel Friday night plans over that shit because it triggered depression so badly.
I like to challenge myself and do things that bipolars aren’t “supposed” to do, but I did jury duty undiagnosed and I don’t think its worth the risk, even now that I’m being treated. Not gonna lie though, I’m going to enjoy saying “Oh, I’m medically exempt from serving jury duty” whenever the topic comes up :}
I’ve been spring cleaning and came across this and I’m pretty sure I was supposed to give it back but I’m not paying for parking to go to that fucking courthouse in fucking Newark so its my memento now. Even if it sucked.
god Poshmark is so fucking annoying. everyone disregards that i state that my prices are firm and that i won’t trade (which is unsafe and against the rules) or use PayPal (as much as i’d like to but that’s against the rules also) yet they still ask. and they’re CHEAP AS ALL POSSIBLE HELL like i’m dumbfounded by some of the embarrassingly cheap offers i get. i listed a pair of lululemon shorts that still retail for 48.00 and only wore twice for 25.00 and some little turd offered me 8.00. i’d end up making like 5.50 after poshmark’s commission if i accepted that (like hell i would, i didn’t even reply). like wtf they should just change the name from Poshmark to Hagglemark because its that fucking icky sometimes.
regardless, i’ve sold more in two weeks than i’ve sold on ebay in the last year and gotten some nice pocket money and finally got rid of shit that was taking up space. its just really annoying a lot of the time because of the people who either don’t read or do read but don’t care. ugh go eat a bag of dicks. or ugh omg when people ask to trade and i go to their booth just to lurk and their clothes are NOTHING like mine aka our styles are completely different. no i don’t want to trade my marc jacobs clothes for your victoria’s secret sequin-encrusted PINK logo yoga pants or for your skanky clubwear. idgaf if that sounds snotty because you know what i mean. everyone’s annoying. fuck this shit.